Tag Archives: life

four simple words.

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You would think I had forgotten how to write the way I’ve neglected this blog.

I feel like I owe it dinner, a movie, and a walk along the beach to make up for how triflin’ I’ve been to it. Maybe a Michael Kors bag too. But anyways, I’ve come back! I’m here now, I’ve blown the cobwebs off of my blog, and I have some things to say.

I could sit here and ramble about all of the great things that have happened to me since the last time that I put my fingers on my keyboard to get the thoughts out of my head (because there have been a LOT of fantastic moments), but that’s not what brought me back here.

I came back to vent. To say one seemingly simple sentence.

 

I want to move.

 

*exhales deeply*

 

Now, this isn’t the first time that I’ve said this sentence, nor is it the first time I’ve given considerable thought to the idea of leaving DC. But this past weekend, I had a chance to spend some time in North Carolina, and while I didn’t do much in the vein of a “typical” vacation, I had a chance to just drive around, take scenery in, and go do regular things in the city, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I want to be down South. Like…there is something about the South that just feels like home to me, though I’ve never lived there. I feel at home every time I go anywhere south of Virginia, and…I’m starting to feel like it’s time for me to see and experience something different. I’ve been in DC/Maryland for my entire life, and yes it’s home, but…I want to plant my feet somewhere else. I want to see if I’d like it somewhere else. If I don’t, home will always be there. DC will always be home to me; most of my friends and all of my family live here, but…I want out.

The catch? I’m scared. Completely. Effing. Scared.

I have a job here that pays me (albeit less than I should be making and it’s not really what I want to do), I have stability, I’ve got a pretty generous benefits package, most of my friends are here, I get to watch my goddaughter grow up right before my eyes, I’m currently not tied to a lease that I can’t get out of, my mother is here, home is here, everything I’ve ever known is here.

But is this what I want? I can’t tell you how many times that question pops up in my mind on a daily basis. That, or questioning if the life I think I want is the life that will be best for me. At one point, the life I have now is the life I thought I wanted, and well…we see how happy I am with that. :-|

The thought of trying to go after what it is I want to do with my life (which requires a complete sector shift, and might require an entire other graduate-level degree), packing up everything I have onto a U-Haul or into a Pod and shipping it somewhere other than down I-95 in Maryland, moving into a place completely by myself in a city that I’ve only visited a handful of times, and starting my life almost completely over, scares the living sh*t out of me. Being here in DC is safe. It’s comfortable. It’s familiar. Hell, it’s even nice. But I don’t know how me it is anymore. I just don’t know…

I just don’t know what it is I’m supposed to do…

 

If you’ve ever faced a decision like this, or if you’re like me and WANT to do something different, but haven’t made a move or a plan yet, leave me some thoughts in the comments. I’d love to gain some perspective/talk this thing on out. Thank you guys for still being here in spite of me being triflin’… :)

 

a free-write.

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9.

that’s the number of years it’s been since I lost my father to pancreatic and liver cancer.

7.25

that’s the day I lost him. since then, this day always feels like an end. it feels like the last time I heard his saxophone emit a note, like the last time I heard his laugh, and like the last time I saw his face…I feel all of those “lasts” on this day every year.

i’ve grown a lot and accomplished some great, mind-blowing things in these nine years. there are just times where I wish I could pick the phone up and call him and ask for his opinion. I can’t. that’s what hurts the most.

i know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he’s been keeping his eye on me. i know he’s damn proud of me being this close to finishing my masters degree, i know he’s seen my photographs from his seat in heaven and is amazed by them, and i know he’s saying “about damn time!” that I’m learning how to play the piano. i just wish we could sit and talk about it.

this doesn’t get easier as the years go by. i am a daddy’s girl, so the physical void left by his death is noticeable at best and palpable at worst. i long for a hug, a reassuring set of words that only he knew how to speak, and a swift kick in the fact whenever i try and doubt myself or my skills.

i miss my father. i see him in the structure of my face, feel him in the depths of my personality, and recognize him when my creative energy starts to flow. it’s been nine years, but it feels like an eternity. my heart is heavy today, and i know i will shed some tears, but i have to remember that this was all a part of the bigger plan of my life.

this year’s anniversary is harder than its been in awhile. the growing pains i am feeling now have me in an awkward, emotionally vulnerable place, and it shows, no matter how hard i work to hide it.

i wish i could spend the day today listening to his favorite music, honing my craft to honor him, and reflecting on his life and the undeniable impact he had on my life. instead, i will be waking up at my usual time, heading into work with a forced smile, and getting my way through the day the best way i know how: praying and friends.

dad, i love you. i miss you, and everything in me wishes you were still here with me. i hope beyond all hope that i am making you proud of me as your daughter…

This Thing Called Fear…

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One of the most powerful emotions I have ever felt is fear. Fear has kept me from saying things, doing things, creating things…or it has caused me to do, say or be things other than what I wanted to do or who I wanted to be. Do you know how debilitating it is to see the life you want or yourself, but to be too afraid to even think about the steps you need to take to get that life? Or even worse, to know what you need to do, but to be too scared to move? That’s the kind of fear that gripped me. I’d know exactly what I wanted to do, but be too scared to do anything about it…which to me, is way worse than not knowing what you want to do at all. Up until recently, that was pretty much my sole method of operating. I’d be so gripped with fear, or with the “I’m not good enough” thought process that I’d never even make the first step. What kind of a life is that to live?

I’ll tell you — not a great one.

Over the last few months, I’ve had numerous conversations about dreams, destiny, and what it is I really want to do with my life. I’ve had them with people that have been in my life for a short time, and those that have been in my life for years. All of those conversations have led to a consensus: we all have dreams, they scare the mess out of all of us, but we feel like they are things we absolutely have to do. I would be a bold faced liar to sit here and say that my dreams don’t scare the crap out of me, because if I sit and think about it long enough, they truly do. I’m getting to the point now, though, where I am working around and through that fear. I can’t sit back any longer and wonder “what if I had taken that chance?” or “what if I had followed through on what I really wanted to do?” Life is too short to begin with, and the last thing I want to do is live with a whole bunch of regrets.

Does this mean that I’m going to have to step outside of my comfort zone? Definitely. Am I going to still be scared at some points? Of course! But my goal is to do it anyways. I’m trying to take risks that I normally wouldn’t take, to relentlessly pursue my dreams like my life depends on it, because it does. The very core of my being hinges on this journey to live the life I believe I’m destined to live. If I decide to give in to fear…if I decide to let it run my life, I will effectively die. Part of me will cease to exist, and I’m sorry, but I like all of me at this point. I need all of me to stay around, because well…I’m a pretty awesome person!

I’ve said all of this to say that I refuse to be ruled by fear anymore. It is a process to get out of this way of thinking, because I’ve conditioned myself/been conditioned to think this way for so long, but I am willing to go through the process in order to come out a better, more fulfilled, happier person on the other side. To you, my readers, I have to ask…am I the only one that’s been this gripped by fear? If not, what have you done to try and get over or around it to become the best you that you can be? Share with me in the comments; I’m sure we can all learn from each other.

Until next time, folks…

2011 – A Year In Review

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I’ve been tossing around the idea of doing a “Year in Review” post for the last couple of weeks, and until recently, I had no idea of how I wanted to write it. Now that I know how to write it, it’s high time I get this thing out and in the open. It’s truly hard to believe that 2011 is winding down to a close. I feel like I was just surrounded by my friends, sipping champagne, and watching the ball drop. Now here I am, in the last week of the year, blessed to have gotten to this point, and amazed at how awesome of a year I had. The best way for me for me to remember my year, and to take you along for the ride with me is to give you the Top 10 (in no particular order) Moments of 2011. Here we go!

10. In April of this year, I decided that I no longer wanted to perm my hair…mostly because it was costing me too much money on a biweekly basis to keep it up. I went to the hair salon one day, asked my stylist to chop all of the perm out, and haven’t looked back since. Having a tiny fro (which then became a medium fro) was such an awesome thing – I gained some self confidence, got to play around with products, got some cool accessories, and really started coming into my own. A little less than a month ago, I decided to start the process of locking my hair, and I’m definitely excited to see where it is by the time I write a post like this in 2012!

9. I left the nest! In September of this year, I did what I had wanted to do since I graduated from college – move out of Mom Dukes’ house. Now, anybody that knows me knows that that wasn’t because we had a bad relationship or because she tried to dictate my life, because she didn’t, but it was time for me to spread my wings. I feel like my relationship with her is now stronger than ever, AND I have two of the best roommates a girl could ask for. Win-win!

8. This July, I took my first trip to Canada and descended on the city of Toronto for its annual Caribbean celebration, Caribana. I had the time. of. my. life. From the epic dinner I had with my friends upon getting into the city, to the parade, to the hype-as-hell Sunday night party, I had a ball up there. I’m sure I’m going back next year.

7. I’m a smaller version of myself than I was a year ago at this time. In December of 2010, I weighed 210 easy. Nowadays, I’m teetering around the 190 pound mark. I haven’t lost a pant size yet, and I need to get back into the gym/back into exercising and revamping my diet, but I’m making progress. 2011 showed me just how important it is to be fit, and to physically feel good about yourself, and that’s something I’m definitely taking into 2012.

6. I thought that 2010 was the year of meeting people from the internet. Nope, 2011 took the crown and took the crown early. From the now infamous Three Deez VSB Weekend in DC in April to the DMV Tweetup Cookout in June and all of the random encounters in between and beyond, I have met a lot of people from Twitter this year. Some of them have turned out to be really great friends, and I’ve shared some amazing experiences with a lot of the people I met this year. If you’re reading this and you were introduced into my life in 2011, I am so glad to have met you and I hope that 2012 tops how awesome this year was for all of the social happenings, and I hope we create even more memories next year.

5. I started this blog this year! I’d had a blog for a while, but I actually sat down and took the time to buy a dot com and start an adjoining Twitter account for my little corner of the internet in 2011. I haven’t posted like I wanted to, but I’m proud of myself for taking a chance on this, and so thankful to each of you reading this right now. You push me to continue honing my craft, and apparently, you care somewhat about what I have to say – that means the world to me.

4. 2011 was the year I got back to my roots, and rediscovered my dormant love and appreciation for photography. From taking photos to editing photos to looking at photos, I love everything about being behind the lens of a camera. 2012 is sure to bring a host of updates and progression in this area of my life, and if you want to follow my challenge to myself to take 1 picture a day for all of 2012, you can do so here.

3. Three words: The Foreign Exchange. If you’ve spent any time with me ever in life, you already know how I feel about them. So it’s only fitting that 2011 was the year that I first saw them in concert (3 times- Falls Church, VA, Baltimore, MD, and Charlotte, NC), and the year that I made it my mission to expose everyone I could to their music. If seeing them in concert and getting to meet them wasn’t awesome enough, they also have a picture I took from the Charlotte show as their Twitter avatar. *squeals* :-)

2. In the vein of music, 2011 was the year that I chose not to deny myself from seeing any and every concert I wanted to see. From Eric Roberson to Sade and John Legend; Jill Scott to The Foreign Exchange; Phonte and 9th Wonder to Rebirth Brass Band; to Jay Z/Kanye West and The Roots this coming Friday, I’ve exposed myself to a wide array of music, and have had experiences that I can’t put a price on. I have to keep that going next year…

1. I turned 25 back in October, and as cliché as it may sound, I really do feel like my life took a drastic change that day. It was that day I decided to cut out toxic people from my life, to focus on honing my God-given talents of writing and photography, to appreciate my family and friends more than I ever had before, to chase my dreams no matter how unrealistic they might currently seem, to open my mind to the idea of new ways of thinking, to take time to treat myself better than ever, and to simply have fun and chase my happiness down no matter what it took.

If you’ve made it this far, you’ll see that 2011 was a year of great change, great triumph, amazing discoveries, and life-changing experiences. Yes, there were negative experiences throughout the year, but they don’t really have a place in this post. The last year has taught me many valuable lessons about myself, and I am grateful for every experience I’ve had, whether it was viewed as positive or negative at the time. I hope that 2012 is an even better year for me, and equally as amazing for you, my readers. I appreciate you all, and Happy New Year!

Looking to the Left…

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I was laying here in the bed trying to figure out what on Earth I was going to write about tonight. I kept telling myself that I need to do better with updating my blog; keeping myself in the habit of writing is my true goal in all of this. I was coming up at a loss on what to write about when I remembered that earlier today, Slim Jackson of SBM and I got into a dialogue about an article that he linked from Marc and Angel entitled “30 Things to Stop Doing to Yourself.” I told him that I planned to print it out and put it on my “Wall of Inspiration” in my room, and he asked if I had written on how I had come up with that.

Well, whaddya know? I hadn’t! So here it is: short, sweet, and to the point. I went to do a favor for my friend Greer, and in her room, she had a list of the things that she wanted to accomplish on a posterboard in the direct line of vision from her bed. That got the wheels inside my head turning. I’m a person that likes to plan things – whether it be my grocery list, what I’m wearing this weekend even though it’s the beginning of the week, or a vacation, I feel like part of my destiny is wrapped up in the ability to plan things. Therefore, I thought it would be apt to come up with a plan for how I wanted the next year to go. Based on Greer’s example, I decided to break my life down into categories, and give myself goals/tasks in each category. Some of the goals/tasks are date specific, and others are lifestyle changes that I hope to implement starting now and transferring them into the new year and beyond. I also decided to take things a step further, and ask my friends for their favorite quotes to add to a forthcoming quote board. I finished that on Monday evening, and it is proudly displayed next to my plans for 2012. All I need is a few pictures, a new vision board, and a couple of other articles/items and my wall will be complete!

The title of this post comes from the fact that I have to look up and to the left when I’m laying in my bed to see these lists I’ve created. I sleep facing the lists, so they will now be one of the last things I see before I go to bed at night, and one of the first things I see when I wake up in the morning. I am confident that both of these will serve as guides to seeing my goals come to fruition and watching my dreams come true.

So, here’s your turn to share with me. Is there anything in your room or in your home that serves as inspiration to you? If so, what is it? If not, do you think that something like this could help you out? Let’s talk about it – something you see here may help you out! :-)

25 for 25…

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Just under 24 hours from now, the clock will strike midnight, and it will be October 1, 2011. Which means, I’ll be 25! It honestly feels like I just turned 21, but…that’s neither here nor there, now is it? Needless to say, I’m more excited about this birthday than I have been for any other birthday in recent memory. Could that be because I have friends coming from California, Chicago, Toronto, Pittsburgh, Hampton, North Carolina, Ohio, and from around the Washington, DC metropolitan area to help me celebrate? Possibly. Could it be because I can finally rent a car without paying that stupid underage fee? Maybe. I think a lot more of it has to do with the fact that I actually feel a shift happening as I approach this birthday. It’s been an interesting journey through the first half of my 20s, and I’m actually eager to see what the last half brings. I’ve learned a hell of a lot about myself, about people, and about life over the last 5 years. What better way to look forward to the next 5 years than to share 25 things I’ve learned before I hit 25…these are in no particular order, but they’re all important to me, so bear with me. Maybe you’ll see something you can relate to in this list…

25. Good food and good music always go hand in hand with each other.

24. Having shoulders to cry on is just as important as having shoulders to stand on.

23. Emotions are powerful tools when controlled and expressed constructively.

22. True beauty radiates from within.

21. Not everyone deserves more than one chance to get it right with you.

20. Heartbreak is but a stepping stone in the journey to happiness – better to experience it now than to deal with it forever.

19. Having good counsel around you proves to be more important the older that you get.

18. The music you listen to is indicative of the way you view life.

17. Laughter is one of the best experiences one can partake in.

16. A cute, short black dress really does make you feel sexy.

15. Perspective is limited by one’s life experiences, morals, and intentions.

14. The company of strong women is more edifying than is given credit for in the mainstream.

13. Your network really is your net worth.

12. Talking about ideas doesn’t really do much – the implementation of ideas is where the true success lies.

11. Dreams really do come true.

10. No matter how small the biological family is, it should never be taken for granted.

9. Physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health are all connected, and should all be taken care of with the same diligence and urgency.

8. The smallest moments with people you love will turn out to be the moments you remember the clearest.

7. Refusing to let your circumstances consume you may be the key to keeping a smile on your face.

6. Taking the time to let the people that you love know that you love them may benefit you more than it does them.

5. When people choose to walk out of your life, the best thing to do may be to actually let them walk. Fighting will only prolong the inevitable.

4. Aim to never be the smartest person in your circle.

3. Taking risks may blow up in your face, but it’s better to know than to walk around with the cloud of “what if” over your head.

2. Even when it doesn’t seem like it, your mother really does always have your best interest at heart and truly loves you more than she may know how to express.

1. God really does have it all under control.

I thank God that He is allowing me to get to 25…I hope that the end of my 20s proves to be as interesting, as fun-filled, as pleasantly dramatic, and as educational as the first half of my 20s have been. There were times where I literally thought that some situations would be the end of me, but it has turned out that they have only made me better. To those of you here to celebrate this with me, I appreciate you and love you from the bottom of my heart. Without you, there literally would be no me. You each mean something so special to me, and I’m extremely lucky and grateful to have you in my life.

I’ve come a long way from when I turned 20, and I hope that when I turn 30, I can look back at 25 and say the same.

 

Until next time, folks…

 

Feature Fridays – Le BOOM Vent Suite

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Howdy folks! Welcome back to Feature Fridays, and today I have a pretty personal song chosen. I know it’s the Friday before a holiday, and everyone is amped to get their long weekend started (I KNOW I am), but I decided I needed to share this song with you all since it’s been on constant rotation for the last week.

It always feels like Christmas to me when an artist that I love releases new music. With every track that passes, it’s like ripping another piece of wrapping paper off of the biggest gift under the tree. When Jill Scott released her new album, “The Light of the Sun,” it was no different for me. Her music has been a soundtrack for me in both sad and happy times, so I was eager to see what direction she took this new album in. As with most new music I buy, I bought it on my iPod, so I pulled my headphones in while at my desk at work and began to listen. 1 got to track 5 and immediately stopped in my tracks.

http://youtu.be/I3szlTzmJ3c

“Le Boom Vent Suite” seems to speak to every corner of my life. It’s almost as if Jill took a trip to DC, asked me what was going on, and wrote a song about it. The beginning of the song is completely empowering for me, and inspires me to make some changes in my own life, while the end reminds me that it’s sometimes easier said than done. That balance between believing that someone doesn’t want you and you deciding that it’s time to leave with the realization that maybe they do want you if you stick it out, coupled with your realization that you completely want them and you feel that they’d benefit your life if they’d just get it together? Man. It’s like she knows me. It’s so beautifully painful for me to listen to that I can’t seem to turn away from it whenever it comes on. As if you couldn’t already tell, I relate best to music, but it’s especially gripping for me when I’m going through something or trying to get to a place that’s described in a particular song. Whenever I feel strongly about a song, I tend to listen to it over and over, and that’s exactly what I’ve done with this song this week.

If you haven’t done so already, please go buy her album! It’s a work of art from start to finish in my opinion, and as a woman, there are a few songs on there that I completely relate to and that I feel very strongly about, with “Le Boom Vent Suite” taking the lead for the one I feel the most about. Are there any songs that you all have that seem to just kick you in the chest because it most accurately describes your life at a certain point? Let’s chat about them in the comments! Until next time, folks…