Tag Archives: change

a free-write.

9.

that’s the number of years it’s been since I lost my father to pancreatic and liver cancer.

7.25

that’s the day I lost him. since then, this day always feels like an end. it feels like the last time I heard his saxophone emit a note, like the last time I heard his laugh, and like the last time I saw his face…I feel all of those “lasts” on this day every year.

i’ve grown a lot and accomplished some great, mind-blowing things in these nine years. there are just times where I wish I could pick the phone up and call him and ask for his opinion. I can’t. that’s what hurts the most.

i know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he’s been keeping his eye on me. i know he’s damn proud of me being this close to finishing my masters degree, i know he’s seen my photographs from his seat in heaven and is amazed by them, and i know he’s saying “about damn time!” that I’m learning how to play the piano. i just wish we could sit and talk about it.

this doesn’t get easier as the years go by. i am a daddy’s girl, so the physical void left by his death is noticeable at best and palpable at worst. i long for a hug, a reassuring set of words that only he knew how to speak, and a swift kick in the fact whenever i try and doubt myself or my skills.

i miss my father. i see him in the structure of my face, feel him in the depths of my personality, and recognize him when my creative energy starts to flow. it’s been nine years, but it feels like an eternity. my heart is heavy today, and i know i will shed some tears, but i have to remember that this was all a part of the bigger plan of my life.

this year’s anniversary is harder than its been in awhile. the growing pains i am feeling now have me in an awkward, emotionally vulnerable place, and it shows, no matter how hard i work to hide it.

i wish i could spend the day today listening to his favorite music, honing my craft to honor him, and reflecting on his life and the undeniable impact he had on my life. instead, i will be waking up at my usual time, heading into work with a forced smile, and getting my way through the day the best way i know how: praying and friends.

dad, i love you. i miss you, and everything in me wishes you were still here with me. i hope beyond all hope that i am making you proud of me as your daughter…

This Thing Called Fear…

One of the most powerful emotions I have ever felt is fear. Fear has kept me from saying things, doing things, creating things…or it has caused me to do, say or be things other than what I wanted to do or who I wanted to be. Do you know how debilitating it is to see the life you want or yourself, but to be too afraid to even think about the steps you need to take to get that life? Or even worse, to know what you need to do, but to be too scared to move? That’s the kind of fear that gripped me. I’d know exactly what I wanted to do, but be too scared to do anything about it…which to me, is way worse than not knowing what you want to do at all. Up until recently, that was pretty much my sole method of operating. I’d be so gripped with fear, or with the “I’m not good enough” thought process that I’d never even make the first step. What kind of a life is that to live?

I’ll tell you — not a great one.

Over the last few months, I’ve had numerous conversations about dreams, destiny, and what it is I really want to do with my life. I’ve had them with people that have been in my life for a short time, and those that have been in my life for years. All of those conversations have led to a consensus: we all have dreams, they scare the mess out of all of us, but we feel like they are things we absolutely have to do. I would be a bold faced liar to sit here and say that my dreams don’t scare the crap out of me, because if I sit and think about it long enough, they truly do. I’m getting to the point now, though, where I am working around and through that fear. I can’t sit back any longer and wonder “what if I had taken that chance?” or “what if I had followed through on what I really wanted to do?” Life is too short to begin with, and the last thing I want to do is live with a whole bunch of regrets.

Does this mean that I’m going to have to step outside of my comfort zone? Definitely. Am I going to still be scared at some points? Of course! But my goal is to do it anyways. I’m trying to take risks that I normally wouldn’t take, to relentlessly pursue my dreams like my life depends on it, because it does. The very core of my being hinges on this journey to live the life I believe I’m destined to live. If I decide to give in to fear…if I decide to let it run my life, I will effectively die. Part of me will cease to exist, and I’m sorry, but I like all of me at this point. I need all of me to stay around, because well…I’m a pretty awesome person!

I’ve said all of this to say that I refuse to be ruled by fear anymore. It is a process to get out of this way of thinking, because I’ve conditioned myself/been conditioned to think this way for so long, but I am willing to go through the process in order to come out a better, more fulfilled, happier person on the other side. To you, my readers, I have to ask…am I the only one that’s been this gripped by fear? If not, what have you done to try and get over or around it to become the best you that you can be? Share with me in the comments; I’m sure we can all learn from each other.

Until next time, folks…

A New Journey…

Over the last year and a half, I’ve made many transformations. I’ve introduced logic into my way of thinking (long story), I’ve rediscovered my wit, I’ve lost 20+ pounds, I went from driving a Saturn to a Honda…all important, all visible, all worth it.  One of the most unexpected changes I’ve made over the last year, however, is all about my hair. If you remember, I blogged about my decision to cut all of the perm out of my hair and go natural back in April. At the time, I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I hadn’t seen my hair without a perm in it since I was a little girl, and wasn’t sure of how I would adjust to having just a little bit of hair on my head.  Needless to say, I got used to it really fast. I went out and bought a lot of Shea Moisture and Oyin Handmade products because my hair LOVES the stuff, and experimented with a lot of different accessories, from headbands to flowers, and got some new jewelry and makeup to accent my face. I sort of went through a transformation when I cut my hair, and it’s been all for the good.

Well, as of Saturday, December 3, 2011, I’ve started a new little hair journey.

my hair is so long! :-)

That’s right folks, those are comb coils in my hair! Meaning, I’ve started the process of locking my hair! *the crowd goes wild* I’m really thoroughly excited about starting this process. Ever since my sister got Sisterlocks back in 2004, I’d always entertained the thought of locking my hair. I think they’re gorgeous, and since I have this newfound freedom with my hair (with the overarching thought being it’s just hair…), what better time than the present to try something new? I know there will be days I don’t like my hair, and days where I’m totally in love with it – this happened when I had a perm, it happened when I cut my hair short, it happened when I went natural, so I fully expect it to happen as my hair grows and does things I’ve never seen it do before.

I’ll pause here so you can see what my hair now looks like:

 

the top of my head! :-)

 

side shot!

 

the sepia view.

 

I’m so excited to be starting this journey, and I’ll be sure to take you all on the ride with me! :-)