Author Archives: L Boogie

Farewell, 2012.

four simple words.

You would think I had forgotten how to write the way I’ve neglected this blog.

I feel like I owe it dinner, a movie, and a walk along the beach to make up for how triflin’ I’ve been to it. Maybe a Michael Kors bag too. But anyways, I’ve come back! I’m here now, I’ve blown the cobwebs off of my blog, and I have some things to say.

I could sit here and ramble about all of the great things that have happened to me since the last time that I put my fingers on my keyboard to get the thoughts out of my head (because there have been a LOT of fantastic moments), but that’s not what brought me back here.

I came back to vent. To say one seemingly simple sentence.

I want to move.

*exhales deeply*

Now, this isn’t the first time that I’ve said this sentence, nor is it the first time I’ve given considerable thought to the idea of leaving DC. But this past weekend, I had a chance to spend some time in North Carolina, and while I didn’t do much in the vein of a “typical” vacation, I had a chance to just drive around, take scenery in, and go do regular things in the city, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I want to be down South. Like…there is something about the South that just feels like home to me, though I’ve never lived there. I feel at home every time I go anywhere south of Virginia, and…I’m starting to feel like it’s time for me to see and experience something different. I’ve been in DC/Maryland for my entire life, and yes it’s home, but…I want to plant my feet somewhere else. I want to see if I’d like it somewhere else. If I don’t, home will always be there. DC will always be home to me; most of my friends and all of my family live here, but…I want out.

The catch? I’m scared. Completely. Effing. Scared.

I have a job here that pays me (albeit less than I should be making and it’s not really what I want to do), I have stability, I’ve got a pretty generous benefits package, most of my friends are here, I get to watch my goddaughter grow up right before my eyes, I’m currently not tied to a lease that I can’t get out of, my mother is here, home is here, everything I’ve ever known is here.

But is this what I want? I can’t tell you how many times that question pops up in my mind on a daily basis. That, or questioning if the life I think I want is the life that will be best for me. At one point, the life I have now is the life I thought I wanted, and well…we see how happy I am with that.

The thought of trying to go after what it is I want to do with my life (which requires a complete sector shift, and might require an entire other graduate-level degree), packing up everything I have onto a U-Haul or into a Pod and shipping it somewhere other than down I-95 in Maryland, moving into a place completely by myself in a city that I’ve only visited a handful of times, and starting my life almost completely over, scares the living sh*t out of me. Being here in DC is safe. It’s comfortable. It’s familiar. Hell, it’s even nice. But I don’t know how me it is anymore. I just don’t know…

I just don’t know what it is I’m supposed to do…

If you’ve ever faced a decision like this, or if you’re like me and WANT to do something different, but haven’t made a move or a plan yet, leave me some thoughts in the comments. I’d love to gain some perspective/talk this thing on out. Thank you guys for still being here ~~in spite of me being triflin’~~…

a free-write.

7 Replies

that’s the number of years it’s been since I lost my father to pancreatic and liver cancer.

7.25

that’s the day I lost him. since then, this day always feels like an end. it feels like the last time I heard his saxophone emit a note, like the last time I heard his laugh, and like the last time I saw his face…I feel all of those “lasts” on this day every year.

i’ve grown a lot and accomplished some great, mind-blowing things in these nine years. there are just times where I wish I could pick the phone up and call him and ask for his opinion. I can’t. that’s what hurts the most.

i know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he’s been keeping his eye on me. i know he’s damn proud of me being this close to finishing my masters degree, i know he’s seen my photographs from his seat in heaven and is amazed by them, and i know he’s saying “about damn time!” that I’m learning how to play the piano. i just wish we could sit and talk about it.

this doesn’t get easier as the years go by. i am a daddy’s girl, so the physical void left by his death is noticeable at best and palpable at worst. i long for a hug, a reassuring set of words that only he knew how to speak, and a swift kick in the fact whenever i try and doubt myself or my skills.

i miss my father. i see him in the structure of my face, feel him in the depths of my personality, and recognize him when my creative energy starts to flow. it’s been nine years, but it feels like an eternity. my heart is heavy today, and i know i will shed some tears, but i have to remember that this was all a part of the bigger plan of my life.

this year’s anniversary is harder than its been in awhile. the growing pains i am feeling now have me in an awkward, emotionally vulnerable place, and it shows, no matter how hard i work to hide it.

i wish i could spend the day today listening to his favorite music, honing my craft to honor him, and reflecting on his life and the undeniable impact he had on my life. instead, i will be waking up at my usual time, heading into work with a forced smile, and getting my way through the day the best way i know how: praying and friends.

dad, i love you. i miss you, and everything in me wishes you were still here with me. i hope beyond all hope that i am making you proud of me as your daughter…

Hey!

1 Reply

*blows cobwebs off of this page*

I know…I know. It’s been forever and a day since I’ve written anything on here, but it’s been for good reason! I promise that in the very near future, I’ll have some material here for you to read, and another way to interact with me. I haven’t forgotten about my blog or my readers, but life has been…hectic. I mean hectic in the best possible way I can mean it at this particular point. Thank you for hanging in there with me, and I’ll be back real soon! Love all of you guys!

-L Boogie

My Day as a Model!

14 Replies

A couple of weeks ago, I ~~forced my favorite photographer in the world to take pictures of me~~ had the chance to step out from behind the camera and get in front of it for a change. Those of you that know me well know that photography is one of my passions, and I am in the process of making it a legitimate endeavor (even if it kills me first), and one of the things I desperately needed was an update to my personal photos. As in, I hadn’t had professional pictures taken of me since I graduated from college in 2009. How much has changed since then? I mean, I lost weight, I completely changed my hairstyle, I don’t dress the same…so in a nutshell, a lot changed, and it was time for me to go out and make some magic happen!

I knew that I wanted to do a set in a dress and do a set in everyday clothes – representative of how I have this newfound love and appreciation for dresses, but how I still love to wear my jeans and cardigans. The best photography mentor in the world, Keith, took me (and my makeup artist, Ca’Vette) out to a barn to get started. Yeah…you read that right…a barn. Now of course, the photographer in me was like “oh yeah, this will be epic…” I trekked on through, and this is what he created for me!

Me in a dress is still a miracle...

My sexy, serious face.

I think I was saying, "C'mon son..."

The smile looks fake, but it really isn't! I promise!

(All photos copyright of Keith Estep Photography)

Cute, right? I happen to think so too!

Here are some of my post-shoot thoughts:

1. It was FREEZING out there. DC had gone through a bit of a warm-up, but of course when it came time for my shoot, it felt like it was 32 degrees outside. I mean, you see I had on a dress…my entire BEING was cold. I swear, even after I changed into the jeans, my teeth were still chattering, and I thought I was never going to thaw out, although I eventually did.

2. Ca’Vette BEAT my face! Looking at myself in the mirror before I got dressed was surreal enough, but then to see it on the computer screen?! The girl has skills. And she’ll make you laugh while she’s doing your makeup! I completely didn’t recognize myself, but it was in such a good way! Seriously, if you need your makeup done, whether it’s for photo shoots, events, weddings, whatever it is you need…hit her up. I promise you won’t regret it.

3. I don’t even know where to begin with the absolute admiration of my photos that I have. I don’t know if you can tell, but in real life, I’m really shy, so my first 10-15 minutes in front of the camera, I was like a deer in headlights. To get me over it, he joked on me (for the rest of the day) and started hamming it up with me. Seriously, he created a masterpiece here (and creates one every single time he gets behind a camera…), and I am forever indebted to him for this. He makes me sick on a day-in, day-out basis because I’m trying to get my pictures to look like his! I’m glad to have him in my corner and to be working with him, because I’d hate to have to go up against this dude…

If you love my photos, please give a major shoutout to Keith (and go book him for your own!). It wouldn’t have been possible without him! If you love my makeup, please follow Ca’Vette on Twitter, hit her up, and she will be more than glad to work with you. As for me? When I finally get my own photography thing off of the ground, you guys here will be the first to know!

Until next time…

#NaturalHair – The Soundtrack

6 Replies

the soundtrack to our curls. (all pictures from last.fm)

I love stereotypes. After reading that sentence, you may be giving me the o_O face, but I genuinely do. I love them because I love getting the chance to break them. (Or maybe I’m a masochist, who knows?) Now there are a million and one stereotypes out there about us girls that have decided to go natural. Everything from we’re all militant feminists, to we’re all vegan, to we could never dare be friends with ANY woman who could even remotely think of putting a perm in her hair.

(._.)

One of the BEST (and absolutely hilarious) stereotypes is that girls with natural hair only listen to “conscious” music. No Southern rap, no booty shakin’ music, and DEFINITELY nothing outside the genres of R&B/approved hip-hop.

precisely what my face looked like.

My good friends Peebz and Alise that brought this assertion to my attention, and I got confused. Real confused. So what they’re saying is, the minute I chopped all of the perm out of my hair, I forfeited the right to listen to such great (and sometimes ratchet as all hell) artists such as UGK, Project Pat, and Gucci Mane? Oh. Ok. What am I supposed to listen to on the way to the bar? I mean, right now, I’ll listen to Racks on Racks, or Rack City, or The Motto (YOLO!) but am I supposed to be listening to Next Lifetime, Golden, or Doo Wop (That Thing) instead? And all because I have baby locs in my hair? NO MA’AM, NO SIR. I liked my ratchet music when I had a perm, and I might like it even more now because I get to shake these locs to it!

Don’t get me wrong, I love every song that I just named at the end of that sentence, but I feel like my selection of music shouldn’t be expected to change SOLELY because I don’t perm my hair anymore. Sometimes the world needs a little ratchet music. My iTunes isn’t indicative of what anyone else listens to but me. Hmph.

That being said, it was only fitting that I came up with a playlist of music that is #NaturalHair tried, tested, and approved. Here is a sneak peek into some of what will help all of my natural-haired sisters through those long bouts of detangling, co-washing, re-twisting, Bantu knotting, and deep conditioning.

Sister Jill...

Because I am *not* my hair.

Queen Mother Chaka! (And ATCQ)

See? All vetted through the #NaturalHair Committee on Musical Selections.

The playlist can be found on my Spotify, and the more than 200 songs should prove to be your new go-to track list on your hair days, or any other day that you want to get a dose of approved music.

To my readers, I come asking you for your help. If you have any suggestions on songs that could be added to the playlist (and that are #NaturalHair friendly), please toss them into the comments, and I’ll add them to my ever-growing list of songs. Happy co-washing and conscious music listening!

Feature Fridays – Robert Glasper Experiment “Ah Yeah”

Protected: At The Same Time…

Enter your password to view comments.

The Write Questions

9 Replies

I’m a writer. Me typing that sentence is somewhat of a new experience for me – for the longest time, I never really self-identified as a writer. I used to just say, “I write.” Well, I do, but I’ve finally come to the realization that I am, in fact, a writer. It sounds like a simple realization to come to, but in all honesty, it wasn’t. Taking on the identification of a writer has taken a lot of time. I’ve come to accept that it is as much engrained in me as my personality, my love of music, and my sarcasm. With the realization that I am a writer has come a myriad of thought processes, roadblocks, revelations, and questions. I have a lot of questions.

Is there a place between words spewing out of you like lava and writer’s block? Is there a middle ground in between those two extremes? If there is, I feel like that’s where I live right now. I have such great ideas, I have amazing direction, and I can literally see the story coming together before my eyes, but I simply cannot find the words to translate that to paper. I’ve done everything I know how to, from listening to music that inspires me, to watching videos that give me inspiration, to imagining the story in my head…and nothing is working. It’s frustrating! I can’t tell you how many pages I rip out, how many lines I cross through, and how many times I just sit there frozen without the words to say to keep going through the story. It even happens to me while I’m trying to write blog posts, which is why sometimes it takes me forever to get posts up. I get stuck, I get frustrated, hell, sometimes I get angry.

But…this resurgence of my writing has proven something else to me. It’s proven to me that if I really want to do something, I’ll put my mind to it and get it done. Over the last few months, I’ve really stepped into the “writers headspace,” and am taking the time to actively get better. I try my best to write something every day. I’m starting to think the frustration is a good thing; to take it in stride instead of quitting and saying I can’t do it is a clear paradigm shift from how I used to operate. Granted, I have my days where writing is the hardest task I take on in the entire day, but it’s definitely all worth it in the end to me. That sweet day that I actually hold a copy of a book I’ve written in my hand? I can only imagine what that will feel like…

To all of my fellow writers out there, I commend you for the work you do. I know what it’s like to stare at a blank piece of paper and feel intimidation like never before, and I know the triumph you feel when you get something down on that piece of paper for the first time in days. I now turn this over to you and ask you a question: Do you feel this same level of frustration in your writing? I know I can’t be the only one, but I figured I’d start a discussion in the comments and see where it takes us…

Until next time, folks…

This Thing Called Fear…

21 Replies

One of the most powerful emotions I have ever felt is fear. Fear has kept me from saying things, doing things, creating things…or it has caused me to do, say or be things other than what I wanted to do or who I wanted to be. Do you know how debilitating it is to see the life you want or yourself, but to be too afraid to even think about the steps you need to take to get that life? Or even worse, to know what you need to do, but to be too scared to move? That’s the kind of fear that gripped me. I’d know exactly what I wanted to do, but be too scared to do anything about it…which to me, is way worse than not knowing what you want to do at all. Up until recently, that was pretty much my sole method of operating. I’d be so gripped with fear, or with the “I’m not good enough” thought process that I’d never even make the first step. What kind of a life is that to live?

I’ll tell you — not a great one.

Over the last few months, I’ve had numerous conversations about dreams, destiny, and what it is I really want to do with my life. I’ve had them with people that have been in my life for a short time, and those that have been in my life for years. All of those conversations have led to a consensus: we all have dreams, they scare the mess out of all of us, but we feel like they are things we absolutely have to do. I would be a bold faced liar to sit here and say that my dreams don’t scare the crap out of me, because if I sit and think about it long enough, they truly do. I’m getting to the point now, though, where I am working around and through that fear. I can’t sit back any longer and wonder “what if I had taken that chance?” or “what if I had followed through on what I really wanted to do?” Life is too short to begin with, and the last thing I want to do is live with a whole bunch of regrets.

Does this mean that I’m going to have to step outside of my comfort zone? Definitely. Am I going to still be scared at some points? Of course! But my goal is to do it anyways. I’m trying to take risks that I normally wouldn’t take, to relentlessly pursue my dreams like my life depends on it, because it does. The very core of my being hinges on this journey to live the life I believe I’m destined to live. If I decide to give in to fear…if I decide to let it run my life, I will effectively die. Part of me will cease to exist, and I’m sorry, but I like all of me at this point. I need all of me to stay around, because well…I’m a pretty awesome person!

I’ve said all of this to say that I refuse to be ruled by fear anymore. It is a process to get out of this way of thinking, because I’ve conditioned myself/been conditioned to think this way for so long, but I am willing to go through the process in order to come out a better, more fulfilled, happier person on the other side. To you, my readers, I have to ask…am I the only one that’s been this gripped by fear? If not, what have you done to try and get over or around it to become the best you that you can be? Share with me in the comments; I’m sure we can all learn from each other.